When You Want to Shut Down in Relationships: A Guide to Staying Open and Connected

Have you ever felt hurt, unseen, and misunderstood by someone close to you—and felt your heart close fast? One harsh word, a disappointed look, or a small misunderstanding can pull us into defense mode in our relationships before we even know it. Staying open takes more than good intentions. It takes awareness, courage, and the choice to keep your heart open—even when it would be easier to shut it down.

What Is Defense Mode?

Defense mode happens when you feel attacked, blamed, or misunderstood and react by shutting down, blaming back, withdrawing, or arguing to protect yourself. Gottman calls this defensiveness and shows it predicts relationship breakdown. Sue Johnson explains that this happens when partners feel unsafe or alone. GS Youngblood teaches that defensiveness blocks healthy polarity because it interrupts the flow between presence and expression.

Why Defense Mode Kills Polarity

Healthy polarity thrives on trust, safety, and energetic difference. One partner holds calm, grounded presence. The other feels free to express emotion fully. When either goes into defense, the energy freezes. Both become closed, rigid, or reactive. The spark dies, arguments repeat, and intimacy fades.

How to Notice When You Are Defensive

Learn to spot your signs. Do you interrupt, explain too much, justify, or counterattack? Does your body tense up, jaw clench, breath stop, or voice rise? Practice saying, “I feel my defenses coming up.” Agree as a couple that you will name it when you notice it so you can slow down before it grows.

How to Stay Out of Defense Mode

Slow down, listen, and observe yourself

When you feel triggered, pause. Take a slow breath. Notice what is happening in your body. Notice what you want to say. Hold it for a moment and listen instead. Let your partner finish. This creates safety. Many conflicts calm down when one partner just feels truly heard.

Let your partner express in a safe space

Decide together that the goal is not to win or prove who is right. When you respond with, “You are wrong,” you are being defensive. Instead, make space for your partner’s feelings—even if you see it differently. Say, “Help me understand how you feel,” or “Tell me more about what this is like for you.” This does not mean you agree with everything. It means you value the connection more than being right.

Take responsibility

If there is any truth in what your partner says, own it. Even a small part can shift the energy. Try, “I see how that hurt you,” or “I understand why you feel that way.” Gottman shows that responsibility disarms blame and invites repair.

How to Respond Well: Intention and Impact

It is okay to say, “That was not my intention,” but only if you also care about how it felt for your partner. Never use it to shut down what they are saying. A better way is to first acknowledge their feeling, then share your intention. For example: “I see how that hurt you. I did not mean for it to land that way. I want to understand better.” This way, you show you care about their experience as much as your own.

Michael and Lucy were a couple navigating the extra layer of complexity that comes with blended families. When they started getting more serious, Michael would drop everything to spend time with his adult daughters whenever they came to town.

Lucy often felt hurt and unimportant—like she was always second in line. At first, they fell into the same defensive loop: Lucy feeling left out, and Michael saying, “That was not my intention.” Things shifted when Michael realized he needed to speak openly with his daughters about how important Lucy was to him. He explained their relationship mattered deeply and that he wanted to plan visits ahead so he could balance time with everyone. By staying present, talking about impact instead of just intention, and setting clear boundaries, Michael showed Lucy she was not second—she was part of his life plan.

Use Gentle Language

Start with “I feel” or “I need,” not “You never” or “You always.” This opens your partner’s heart instead of closing it.

Remember: It’s Not About Who Is Right or Wrong

Sue Johnson’s work shows that most arguments are protests for connection—not battles over facts. Underneath defense is usually a simple need to feel safe, seen, or important. If you stay curious about the feeling under the words, you protect the bond.

Hold Presence

One partner can help steady the energy by staying grounded and calm. This is the core of polarity. Breathe, relax your shoulders, soften your eyes, and listen without jumping in. GS Youngblood calls this holding presence. It helps your partner feel safe to share without fear.

Express Fully—But Without Blame

If you are the partner expressing, focus on your feelings and needs—not on proving your partner wrong. Say, “I feel hurt when I sense you pulling away,” instead of “You do not care about me.” Speak for yourself. Stay with your truth without attacking.

What It Feels Like to Have an Open Heart

Michael Singer writes about how the heart can stay open or close at any moment. An open heart feels like a warm, soft space inside. You can feel it when you see a setting sun, hear a piece of music that moves you, or watch someone you love laugh without holding back. In those moments, your chest feels warm and safe instead of tight and guarded.

When you feel yourself closing up in a hard moment, pause and remember what an open heart feels like. Take a breath, relax your shoulders, and invite that warmth back in. An open heart does not mean you have no boundaries. It means you choose softness over armor—so connection can grow where it once shut down.

Remember What Love Does

Love does not argue to win. Love does not shut down and pull away. Love stays present. Love listens, even when it hurts. Love chooses connection over ego. Love says, “I see you. I hear you. I care about how you feel.” When you remember what love does, you remember why you are here together in the first place. This helps you soften your defenses and stand on the same side.

“True polarity lives where presence meets an open heart—two people brave enough to soften when they want to shut down.”

May you notice when you close, breathe when you tense, and choose—even in hard moments—to stay open to each other.

Gina Baiamonte is a trauma-informed EMDR therapist who helps individuals and couples heal old wounds, break defensive patterns, and build stronger relationships rooted in presence and trust. To learn more about her work, retreats, or upcoming offerings, visit www.authentichealingandcounseling.com or connect with her here.

Helping you revel in your most authentic self with an open heart.