The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
- Brayam Rodriguez
- 3 days ago
- 2 min read
Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and researcher known for his work on relationships. In his book, he outlines these key principles:
1. Enhance your love maps
This means truly knowing your partner — their inner world, stresses, joys, dreams, and history. Couples should keep updating this knowledge as they grow.
2. Nurture your fondness and admiration
Having a positive view of your partner and expressing respect and appreciation regularly strengthens the relationship.
3. Turn toward each other instead of away
In everyday moments, respond to bids for attention, affection, humor, or support, instead of ignoring or dismissing them.
4. Let your partner influence you
Healthy relationships involve sharing power and respecting each other’s opinions and feelings. It’s about being open to being influenced by your partner.
5. Solve your solvable problems
Use healthy communication and problem-solving strategies for issues that can be resolved, including compromise, soft start-up of difficult conversations, and repair attempts during conflict.
6. Overcome gridlock
For perpetual problems (which are based on deep differences), the goal isn’t to “solve” them but to understand each other’s dreams behind the conflict and find ways to cope and honor those dreams.
7. Create shared meaning
Building a shared sense of purpose through rituals, goals, and values strengthens the bond and gives the relationship deeper meaning.
Here’s a simple daily practice for each of Gottman’s Seven Principles:
1. Enhance Your Love Maps
Daily practice:
Ask your partner a meaningful question each day (“What was the best part of your day?” or “Is there anything you’re looking forward to this week?”).
Update your knowledge about their current stresses, dreams, and goals.
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
Daily practice:
Give at least one genuine compliment or expression of appreciation every day (“I love how you handled that situation” or “You looked beautiful this morning”).
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
Daily practice:
Notice small “bids” for connection, like a comment or a sigh, and respond with interest or affection, even briefly (“Oh? Tell me more” or just a touch on the arm).
4. Let Your Partner Influence You
Daily practice:
If a disagreement comes up, pause and ask yourself: “Is there a way I can meet them halfway?”
Practice saying “Good point” or “I see what you mean” during discussions.
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems
Daily practice:
When a small issue arises, bring it up gently: use a soft start-up (“I feel ___ about ___, and I need ___”), and focus on one issue at a time rather than many complaints at once.
6. Overcome Gridlock
Daily practice:
If you bump into a recurring issue, instead of fighting, ask, “What’s the deeper dream or need behind this for you?”
Spend a few minutes understanding each other’s core needs without trying to “fix” it right away.
7. Create Shared Meaning
Daily practice:
Share a small ritual together each day — like having morning coffee, a quick evening walk, or a shared “goodnight” ritual — and talk about dreams and goals occasionally to align your life paths.
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